I'm not even close to where I started this journey and too much has transpired to even try to start back at the beginning so I am going to start right in the mess of the middle of it all. I feel exposed even dipping my toes in the water and beginning to write anything down and at the same time I feel relieved to be able to have a place to write it all down and leave it all there. I'm struggling to accept a new reality and yet at the same time I realize it could be so much worse and I should be thankful that it isn't so much worse at the moment.
Close your eyes and imagine for a moment that feeling you get after riding a spinney ride like the cheep carnival types that spin and spin and spin so fast that it pins you to the wall and then the floor drops out and you stick to the wall of the ride as it spins and spins and spins and you try to reach to the middle but your arms are sucked the middle. Do you remember how you felt walking off the ride? Your head a dizzy, foggy, blurred, vertigo topsy turvy feeling. Where you can't walk in a straight line or tell if the room is spinning or if you are still spinning?
Then think of the worst hang over headache you ever had. Like you had way too many tequila shots on an empty stomach followed by sugary sweet fruity drinks with your girl friends. Had late night chili cheese fries. Came home and vomited for hours. Woke up and had a headache a nausea that you thought would never end. But then add the worst migraine headache throbbing, pounding, tunnel vision, aching, pounding, light sensitive, unrelentless migraine pain to that.
Then think of fatigue. Fatigue like you have newborn twins who are teething and who are sleep training and who are up every two hours. But you are tormented by the fact that you are so tired can not sleep enough to feel rested. You seriously can not even keep your eyes open but you also can not sleep kind of tiredness. Tiredness that makes you ache all over but is not satisfied by sleep. Rest that does not quench your fatigue. Fatigue that makes your legs twitch and your joints ache.
These words seem so empty in trying to describe the feelings that have held my life hostage since January 31, 2016.
Close your eyes and imagine for a moment that feeling you get after riding a spinney ride like the cheep carnival types that spin and spin and spin so fast that it pins you to the wall and then the floor drops out and you stick to the wall of the ride as it spins and spins and spins and you try to reach to the middle but your arms are sucked the middle. Do you remember how you felt walking off the ride? Your head a dizzy, foggy, blurred, vertigo topsy turvy feeling. Where you can't walk in a straight line or tell if the room is spinning or if you are still spinning?
Then think of the worst hang over headache you ever had. Like you had way too many tequila shots on an empty stomach followed by sugary sweet fruity drinks with your girl friends. Had late night chili cheese fries. Came home and vomited for hours. Woke up and had a headache a nausea that you thought would never end. But then add the worst migraine headache throbbing, pounding, tunnel vision, aching, pounding, light sensitive, unrelentless migraine pain to that.
Then think of fatigue. Fatigue like you have newborn twins who are teething and who are sleep training and who are up every two hours. But you are tormented by the fact that you are so tired can not sleep enough to feel rested. You seriously can not even keep your eyes open but you also can not sleep kind of tiredness. Tiredness that makes you ache all over but is not satisfied by sleep. Rest that does not quench your fatigue. Fatigue that makes your legs twitch and your joints ache.
These words seem so empty in trying to describe the feelings that have held my life hostage since January 31, 2016.
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