I decided it would be good for me to put down in writing all that has transpired over the last few months purely for the theraputic process of telling my story. I hope this is a place that friends and family and people who care about me can read about what I have been through and maybe understand me a little bit more. This has all been such a huge change for me its often hard to put it all into words. But here is my attempt.
In June I went to the doctor because Jeremy and I wanted to get pregnant. I asked the doctor if there were any vitamins etc that I should get on because we were going to start trying for kids. She gave me some suggestions and then told me that she wanted to have some ultrasounds done to check for a family history of poly cystic kidney disease. I went into get the ultrasounds done and was very nervous because I didn't want there to be anything that would keep us from getting pregnant or any bad news. Jeremy came with me that day because I just wanted someone there. They took me back for the ultrasound and the tech explained that my doctor had ordered the wrong ultrasound. She had ordered a test that was much more through than the one that just checks the kidneys. The one she ordered checked my entire abdomen and all of my major organs. But she decided to do the more extensive test because it couldn't hurt.
As she was doing the test she was pointing out my different organs and was very nice and chatty. She was on her last picture and she started to get really quiet. She was focusing on one major area but couldn't get a really good picture of whatever it was that she was looking for. I asked her what that image on the screen was and she said that she had to go and get someone and she would be right back. I said "ok" but as she left the room my stomach sank. I tried to push away the lump in my throat as the techs boss came into the room. She started digging around in the same area and taking pictures of what they were seeing. Then she started to label the different organs on the screen. Pancreas, liver, spleen, kidney...mass. "Mass" I said, "that sounds like cancer." They werent allowed to tell me any details about what they were seeing. They told me that they needed to bring the radiologist into the room to review the pictures. Then they asked if I had someone there with me. They went and got Jeremy.
He came into the room and I couldn't stop the tears from pouring own my cheeks as I told him that they had found something, it was big, and they were calling it a mass. I was so scared. But still trying to believe that it was some kind of mistake. The radiologist came in and explained that they had found something but they didnt know what it was or what it was attached to. They said they needed to get a better picture of it through a CT scan but it was probably nothing and not to worry. I waited for hours drinking this nasty stuff that lights up the bad things on the CT scan. I called my mom to tell her and it felt sureal saying that they had found a mass and I was getting a CT scan. I had the scan done. We waited again to talk to the radiologist.
He pulled us out into the hall way of the CT scan place and told us that the scan showed a 7.7 cm mass attached to my pancreas. Usually they measure these sorts of masses in milimeters so my mass was VERY LARGE. They didn't know exactly what it was but it was serious and it needed to be surgically removed, my doctors had been contacted and I was going to go see a surgeon that day. His face was white and it seemed like he felt so bad to tell me. I was shocked. All I could say was ok, ok, ok. Jeremy was the one keeping a level head and asking all the questions.
In that hallway my world stopped.
When we got to the car I broke and cried and cried. The next day we got into see a surgeon. She confirmed that the mass was a type of cancer probably begnine but they didnt know for sure. It needed to be removed. We scheduled the surgery that day for about 2 weeks later. A lot transpired in those 2 weeks, good things and really painful things that I cant write about here. I lost a lot of weight from the anxiety, one of my best friends Melissa got married, one of my other best friends Diane had a beautiful baby boy, we canceled our italy trip, we made plans for my recovery, and my sister and mom threw me an awesome Farewell Willma party. It was a great time to be surrounded by so many friends and family who cared so much for me. It really helped me to be brave enough to go through the surgery knowing I had that much love and support. I named the mass willma mostly because I had to laugh to keep from crying. All these pictures are from the party. Shanna and mom made it so special. We played operation, people talked about what they love about me, we ate a bunch of yummy desserts and played pin the verse on willma. Farewell Willma.
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